not immune

Today, more than ever, I realized what it feels like to be wrestling with darkness.

I had a conversation recently with a friend, about my path and position so far in faith. We talked about what it really means to walk with God, and she brought up a point that she had observed, validating what her pastor had mentioned: that the stronger we grow in faith, the harsher, the more powerful and more testing our trials become. In our present world, we are not immune from the temptations, the attacks, the manipulations of the devil. As a combination of Satan trying to fight back, and of God giving us challenges that he knows we can eventually  handle, with a bit of roughing, it can be argued that it is NECESSARY to go through these hard times to make us grow stronger. It really struck a cord with me, because maybe if I analyzed things that way, it would appear as if my internal battles and struggles this past year were rooted there. I'm not going to lie...I loved this past year. However, there were times it was EXTREMELY hard to stay motivated. At times, I did feel like I lost all control-- and the weak person I was, I fell completely into the apathy, the damage, and the temptations. I am ashamed to look back on the damage that is done and come to terms with the fact that now I have to face the consequences. I did not prioritize God enough; I did not pray enough, I did not serve my community enough. And no, it is not guilt due to lack of works, but rather an 'outflow' or 'lack of flow' that I blame completely on not prioritizing my relationship with Him enough. I am 100% confident in my faith and where I stand, but that doesn't mean I should go on my own merry path. My work should not be, or ever be, an object of worship. Who says I am important at all? God is a jealous God, and again, I see God humbling me in order to bring me back to Him.

God, I am so sorry. Message taken.

To be completely honest, this year was a very dark year for me, and I really believe part of it was due to my lack of commitment to my relationship with Christ. Lack of sleep, lack of exercise and lack of eating well threw my whole life balance into wack, and I felt like I needed to prioritize eating, sleeping and pleasing other people in order to do well. I worried about trivial things. I worried about what other people thought. I worried about my future--my profession, my future spouse, my plans. I stopped caring about other people--to a scary point. But like God says:

 Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? [...]
 ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:25-34

In the past, I could get away with just using that doctrine occasionally. But at this point in my walk, I can't just be nonchalant about my faith. I can't just be lukewarm, because I'm NOT lukewarm. My mind is in one place, but I am still not pursuing a life always pleasing to Christ. I feel like God is trying to help me to get there...I just have to stop resisting!

A huge thing I struggle with also is not opening up to people. Secondary to my Chinese-instilled-fear of saving face, denial, and fear of burdening people, I try to escape from the reality that I am in a very very bad place at the moment, and need help from others. I feel like my fears are unreasonable because people in our lives are in our lives for a reason, and no one is meant to be alone. Yet I still feel bad about burdening other people; whether people will still take me seriously...:/

Sometimes I wonder whether there is something intrinsically wrong. The state of mind I was in before the end of 3rd year scared me, and made me  personally worried for the people I would eventually take responsibility for, because I simply was not prepared. I was only partial about my learning this year and feel horrible about it...what am I doing?! Instead, I prioritized feelings, temptations, ephemeral, stupid things. Part of the reason I am taking a year off is to try to get my life back together, to know medicine WELL, and re-start the path I started 4 years ago...this time on the right track. A couple quotes I've heard recently that have resonated:

"If you smell crap wherever you go, look under your own shoe"
"Practice does NOT make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect" <--SO true.

I know what I am capable of, with the gifts God has blessed me with, but I also know that I am far from it at the moment. I need to stop asking for easy, fast results and take things one step at a time. As my dad keeps telling me--this is not a sprint; its a marathon. You're in it for the long haul, so please, keep the bigger picture in mind.

Which brings me to this: GOALS FOR THIS YEAR
1. find a significant other (isn't that crazy that that was on my list before? no longer.) instead, prioritize quiet times, prayer, and my walk with Christ.
2. get back into shape. in fact, get into the BEST shape of my life, not just for my previous number 1, but for my actualy number 1: because my body is a temple; i've abused it enough. enough is enough.
3. review medicine, again, not for myself, for my career, but to glorify God.

God, I'm giving this up to you.