angst

Why is it that no matter how little sense something makes, how silly it seems, and how ridiculous it makes you act, you heart always, ALWAYS seems to dominant your mind? No matter how hard you try to justify that thinking about one thing is utterly and totally useless, that nothing will change anything, that nothing ever changed, but was only a product of your ridiculous imagination--why is it that your heart still holds out that hope? Why is it so annoyingly persistent? Why can't it just let go and accept things as they are? The logical conclusion is so obvious, yet the heart fails to accept it until the evidence is so blatant there's nothing you can do. And as much as you try to protect yourself from getting hurt, you will still get hurt.

Maybe its just my stubborn faith in believing that the world is fair, that you get out what you put in, which almost never happens. Sometimes things do happen, but the world, just like us, is imperfect. I guess it is times like these that remind us of how flawed we are, and how much we need God. Thank God for being someone, giving me something, I can depend on, without fail. and thank God for the few who really do understand. Thank God for the things He HAS blessed me with.  So this is what He must feel when we do the same to Him. Sorry Jesus :(

sigh.

Ecclesiastes is starting to become the anthem for my life. haha. God, please grant me patience and an undeniable trust in you.
² Obey the king’s command, I say... ³ Do not be in a hurry to leave the king’s presence. Do not stand up for a bad cause, for he will do whatever he pleases. ⁴ Since a king’s word is supreme, who can say to him, “What are you doing? ”

⁵ Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm,
    and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure.
⁶ For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter,
    though a person may be weighed down by misery.

⁷ Since no one knows the future,
    who can tell someone else what is to come?
⁸ As no one has power over the wind to contain it,
    so^[a] no one has power over the time of their death.
As no one is discharged in time of war,
    so wickedness will not release those who practice it.

...There is a time when a man lords it over others to his own^[b] hurt...¹¹ When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, people’s hearts are filled with schemes to do wrong. ¹² Although a wicked person who commits a hundred crimes may live a long time, I know that it will go better with those who fear God, who are reverent before him. ¹³ Yet because the wicked do not fear God, it will not go well with them, and their days will not lengthen like a shadow.
¹⁴ The righteous who get what the wicked deserve, and the wicked who get what the righteous deserve. This too, I say, is meaningless. ¹⁵ So I commend the enjoyment of life , because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.
¹⁶ When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe the labor that is done on earth —people getting no sleep day or night— ¹⁷ then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all their efforts to search it out, no one can discover its meaning. Even if the wise claim they know, they cannot really comprehend it.
but

¹³ Now all has been heard;
    here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
    for this is the duty of all mankind.
¹⁴ For God will bring every deed into judgment,
    including every hidden thing,
    whether it is good or evil.
--Eccl 8, 12:13-14