pennies for thoughts...and memories

Lately, I've been encountering story after story of heartbreak and the consequences of imperfection--stories of illness in those close to those close to me, or even in those close to me. Stories of suffering, of sadness, of trial and fire. Stories of the realities of the human condition...and the dark side of it...

In the past year alone, I think I've had at least 4 friends lose their grandparents, 2 friends lose their parents, one friend lose one of their best friends, 2 friends with relatives with cancer, one friend who GOT cancer and one friend who is fighting hard, multiple friends with aunts/uncles/second relatives with cancer, and most dear to my heart, I've lost my own aunt. And then there's everything going on in Syria.

I've often said to these people that my prayers and condolences go out to you, but what I really mean to say is that every time I hear these stories, your stories, my heart breaks for the darkness and sadness we have to face in this world. It's a feeling that has come more frequently now then before, and I surprised myself when I put my finger on it; that the reason I was sad at random times was not for specific things (though they certainly played a part); but rather, for the world in general.

Part of it has to do with the fact that me and my peers are now at that age where our parents and grandparents are vulnerable to the elements of nature and aging; to diseases, ailments, cancer. My aunt's battle with cancer was both sudden, scary, and a reality check. Part of it has to do with the fact that I now have more than a thousand friends on facebook, and the internet has this power to broadcast all our life tragedies to the world (or, at least our connected friends) as they happen, versus pre-facebook times where grief was expressed privately, or only to those close in physical proximity. Or perhaps part of it is that after spending a year in medicine, my eyes are more open to the world of disease. I'm reading more about how humans live outside of our comfortable US. After spending only a week in Haiti but months learning about the burden of global health needs, my eyes are open to the extent of suffering that plagues mankind. After spending like 4 days at Urbana hearing the stories of missionaries, their struggles and their lives on the field, my heart asked to see things as God sees them. Maybe this is what it means.*

Because I grieve for the losses my friends have to deal with, but also for the unfairness of the world in general. I grieve for people who have to go before we feel it is their time. For young people who die in tragedy. Even more grievously is that the numbers of losses and illness in the lives of people around me are paltry to the numbers people attest to elsewhere in the world. So my heart also grieves for children who are scarred by poverty, trafficking, hunger, war, orphanage; their innocence torn from them. For people who have to live their lives in fear. For women who are at the mercy of their husbands, or families, without any ability to express themselves. For those who live under the bonds of censorship, oppression, violence. Yet my heart does swell with joy and emotion at the stories of determination and love that persist through these intense journeys, at the resilience of human nature, at the goodness of human nature too that can shine through. Not all hope is lost. My desire to travel, but to travel on the road less trodden, stems from a desire to hear more of these stories, to learn from these people, whose life and emotional strength is probably eons deeper than my own sheltered knowledge.

Finally, I grieve for the state that society (or at least our media) can display sometimes on the waves of development and luxury: of a blatant lack of tact, of a blatant idolatry of self and materialism, and of blatant refusal to better oneself--at times, promoting and celebrating irresponsibility, hedonism, self harm (*cough*popculture*cough*mileycyrus). Just because you have $$, freedom and a good life doesn't mean you have to spend it that way. What happened to active promotion of a desire to be better versions of ourselves...focusing time and energy on cultivating our ability to learn skills, be useful, think critically? The only thing a material and hedonistic society creates is a desire that is impossible to be satiated. I am so thankful to have (most) friends who continually strive to be better and inspire me. At the same time I think we all fall prey to many self-serving behaviors in some way, shape or form, and to varying extents. So I'm trying to get better, or at least less wasteful.

I want to clarify that I am not sad in an intrinsic sense, as in I grieve so much I can't get up in the morning or see things through a pessimistic viewfinder. Nor is this sadness of pity. No, these thoughts come on and off through the course of a day; last a couple moments, then are replaced with the bustle of BAM, present life (i.e., the research I'm doing now, or my schedule for later today). I grieve in a sense that serves as a reminder and makes me emotional enough to want to do something about it...to want to play at least a small part in God's greater picture, to bring healing, to establish a skill set that will let me help others, and to remind myself that I have no, absolutely NO reason to EVER be dissatisfied with the life I am blessed with...no matter what comes. There is more to life than us! We are young; we have so much potential, we have so many resources...learn and get on it!

Let's all be reminded of that. Let's celebrate and be thankful in the life we do have, the lives we have been touched with, the memories shared, the experiences that shape our being, and really, everything.

As for me, thank you 姑姑 for teaching me some of that--what it truly means to feel grief, but also what it truly means to celebrate life. I can't believe it has almost been a year, but the lessons you have taught me and those around you live on. I love and miss you. I know that you are watching over us all, especially Uncle, S and N.

And thank you God for being my strength. I will praise You forever.
*1 Cor 12:25-26 and Romans 12:9-21